Moving on...

I've come to accept my fate. My marriage is over but not for the reasons I have stated before. I've made my mistakes and lied and it has been severe. But I have tried to be a better person, I was already in counseling and this just reaffirmed that I need more. I still have a way to go.

My marriage is over because I am the only one who has been fighting for it for a very long time. Marriage or any long term relationship, is hard work and it is when it is tested the most, that's when you find the resolve of the individuals in it is truely discovered. I have always loved and fought for my wife. She has not. She has conceded things but that only leads to resentment and animosity. I have always been told by her I needed to work on "my issues" but where was she to work on "our issues" or "her issues"... When the going got tough, she quit. A pattern of behavior I have seen A LOT in the last 13 years.

I do not hate my wife. On the contrary, I love her. I just cannot fight for something that I'm the only one that wants it....

Jennifer, I wish you all the best.... But I am moving on...

One week later...

It's been a week since the collapse... I'm not doing great but I'm better than I was. the failure of my marriage is mine to bare alone. I don't know that I'll recover from this fully. My family (sister) has been very supportive and our relationship has gotten stronger because of my mistakes. I just need to be there for my children. I've lost my love, I cannot lose them.

Losing it all...

I've lost everything in my life and only I am to blame. My lies has destroyed my marriage and I lost the woman I loved. I can't win her back and I won't try. I won't waste her time. I am a little man who tried to make himself out to be better than I was and it has ended it all. I am not the role model for my children I wanted to be and they deserve better. I cannot undo the mistakes I have made and I must live the rest of my life suffering for my sins

This is not me being a martyr but rather accepting my fate... I'm not sure that the world may not be a better place without me...

So much for keeping up on Blogging

Well my plans to keep this up to date has failed miserably. Oh well, I'll try to to better.

My physical change has been huge. I no longer feel like the 247 lbs. man I was 8 months ago. Now the physical change is almost complete, the rest of my life is still a work in progress.

I am not a perfect man. I have made many, many mistakes in my life and I have to live with them. I have apologized for them and I try to atone for them every day. I'm not a perfect father and I strive everyday to be a better man for my sons and be a good role model for them.

SO why does it feel like I'm spinning my wheels and and nothing is improving. I know I have a long way to go to fix my problems. I began counseling a few months ago and I have been told that I have improved my overall attitude, my relationship with my children and adopted a more positive outlook. Do I still get frustrated with little things, absolutely. I don't know that I will ever completely wipe that from who I am. I wish I could but it just doesn't seem to be possible.

What I can say is that I can look myself in the mirror and say I'm willing to fight to improve... No everyone can...

I Against I

Right here is where the end gon' start at, conflict, contact 'n' combat, fighters stand where the land is marked at, settle the dispute about who the livest, 3 word answer, Whoever survive this,

- Mos Def

The battle I have been having in my own mind has been epic. I struggle daily with so many things. My body, my self image, my relationships, and my future.

I definitely have struggled with my training. I have incorporated cycling for the 1st time in many years. I love the freedom of being on the road and the feeling that burn. The trade off is that when I stand in front of a TV watching Shaun T and the INSANITY program, it just doesn't motivate me. I know the workout will be challenging but it pales in the feeling of the wind whipping by and the change of scenery. On top of all of that, I have had SOOOO many cravings for unhealthy foods. It's a strange ordeal I have been through.

I know that almost 6 months ago, I was the most unhealthy I have ever been. Weighing nearly 250 lbs, I had to make a change. Between the Elliptical, portion control, and INSANITY, I managed to drop to 193 lbs as of today. SO why don't I fee like I have changed much? I know I have, I have the results. I know I need keep a positive mental attitude, but it is a daily battle...

More later... I'm sure I'll have a rant for the world to laugh at.

Define: INSANITY

I finally figured out how fitness guru Shaun T came up with the name INSANITY for his fitness program. It has nothing to do with how difficult it is or how crazy the overall challenge is. I believe why is it really called INSANITY has everything to do with why WOULDN'T you do it!

I am sore, I hurt, and I have days where I dread putting that DVD in. I know that if I don't follow the program, If I don't use MyFitnessPal.com, and If I don't push myself to be healthier, I will just fall back to bad habits and be 250 lbs. once again. 

I am the only one to blame for my lack of fitness, and I will be the only one to credit when I make it to 180 lbs. and looking like I did in college.

P.S. I have given hope of having ripped abs and looking like Shaun T. Not because I don't think I can do it, but rather, I need to set my own standard.

Well... This sucks...

I've been sore before, but never like this! Since I've incorporated running into my workout regiment, I have never have my muscle & joints hurt this much in my history. I know that being older has a lot to do with it but all the stretching in the world doesn't seem to help. I hope things start to get better. The second month of INSANITY begin tomorrow with the Fit Test AND a new circuit. I've been told this month is going to be HARD!

On a personal note, I've been trying to spend more time with my family and do more around the house. I'm trying to improve my family life. There are days when I just want time to myself but I'm willing to sacrifice it to be a better father & husband.

Therapy sessions are going well but at the end of the day I need to figure out what I have to be happy. Because right now, I am struggling with that.

Never did I think...

I have always been a person that accepted my situation as being "it is, what it is". Thus, I was gaining weight and my overall attitude deteriorated. I wasn't a very good father or husband or person for the most part. What was sad, is never did I think I would change anything and I accepted my fate. I hit my lowest point 2 different times this year and it took these moments to invoke change.

I have always been a hard person emotionally to deal with. I am very closed off and difficult to get express my thoughts and my emotions. I always believed that leaving things bottled up and letting it eat away at my soul was fine. In January of this year I have my first "awakening".

I stepped on the scale in my home upon returning from our annual training trip to Florida and I discovered something shocking, not only did I weight 250 lbs but my size 36 inch waist pants didn't fit! I knew at the rate I was going, I'd be a prime candidate for diabetes, high blood pressure and an early grave. I began a regiment of food moderation, eliminating harmful food from my diet and exercise. It hurt like hell but I knew it had to be done. I  was only the elliptical for 3 months straight and blew through 35 lbs. Then the month of April came, I got really sick and my daily routine of exercise went down to 3 days a week. Then I began INSANITY. In the month since, I have dropped my weight down to 195 lbs in just 5 months!.

My second "awakening" was much more disturbing.

It took my father's death to realize that while I was succeeding in my professional life, I was failing horribly in my personal life. I was not spending nearly enough time with my sons and I was nothing more than a roommate with my wife. This epiphany has caused me to reevaluate what is important in my life. I have enrolled in therapy and I spend every day trying to make up for all the mistakes I have made in my marriage and I am working to spend as much time as possible with my sons. My wife and children are my world and I cannot imagine my life without them. I know it will take time, but the process has begun...

That's enough for now... I will have more random thoughts later. Now off to do something I haven't done in a long time... It's time for a run!

Skelly...

The Relaunch...

I have attempted to blog for several years now but for the most part I was posting 2 or 3 things and then gave up. With the increased activity on social media, I felt right now was the best time to relaunch my Blog.

I will be using this to track the progress of my physical growth as well and a means of voicing my thoughts and ideas on maintain a healthy physical & mental lifestyle.

Enjoys!